Chasing the “90s Butter Mom” Left Me Exhausted This Summer

In trying to recreate the childhood she remembered, one mother discovered that its greatest gift wasn’t a slower, trendier decade.

It was a hot and sticky summer afternoon when my husband left to take our four young boys over to the local swimming pool, and I sat there on the couch while our baby girl napped upstairs.

It had been a long few months trying to give my kids a “90s summer” - the viral parenting ideal that had been portrayed throughout social media. If you’re raising young kids and our social media algorithms are anything alike, you were probably likewise inundated with picturesque reels of ridiculously happy kids running barefoot through sprinklers, moms donning linen and oversized button-downs with natural hair flowing and minimal makeup, kids climbing trees and tracking dirt everywhere – you get the idea!

As we often do when influenced by something on social media, I jumped into the trend quite optimistically, letting it take over my whole personality and our family’s summer mantra. What I hadn’t foreseen at the beginning of summer was the restless and overstimulated mom that would be left here on the couch. My feet were aching; my mind was in a million places; and my once optimistic spirit was slowly dying. I desperately needed an afternoon to myself, and my husband had saved the day.

As I sat there watching flies land on the unfinished chicken nugget platter I had made a few hours prior, I reflected on our summer and my shortcomings: What were these 90s moms doing differently to be able to keep up with their kids day after day? How did they have the mental strength and energy? How did they always seem so happy? I love my kids, and I love being a mom, but having a “90s summer” with five kids under 10 was totally wiping me out. With that late summer exhaustion setting in, but still holding onto that nostalgia for my childhood, I reached for the remote and turned on “You’ve Got Mail.” Perhaps a movie from the 90s would be just what I needed to draw some inspiration. 

You've Got Mail, Warner Bros. Pictures

Anyone who watches “You’ve Got Mail” is instantly drawn into the Fall scenes of New York City, Meg Ryan’s adorable character, and the charming way in which people interacted over coffee and books. Without the lure of cell phones and social media, strangers sparked meaningful conversations, and friendships were built on closeness and daily interactions. What I hadn’t remembered about the movie, and what came to me as a bit of surprise as a mother now to young children, were some of the underlying details of the story.

For example, the two main characters who are engaging in an online romance are both simultaneously cohabiting with other unmarried people. When they decide to separate from their cohabiting partners to further pursue this online romance, it is depicted as the most harmless, casual thing ever. Typical Hollywood! What I had recalled as an innocent and charming 90s movie was actually not even a movie I would want my kids to watch. 

Something's Gotta Give, Columbia Pictures

Realizing that “You’ve Got Mail” was not giving me the inspiration I had desired, I flipped on another early aughts classic, “Something's Gotta Give.” Somehow this movie completely fell off my radar as a gal growing up in the 90s, and to be honest, I am glad it did. As I watched it for the first time (now in my thirties), I was, of course, captivated by the swoon-worthy aesthetic that only Nancy Meyers can deliver.

But once again I was shocked at the underlying storyline.

Without going into too many details (because you’ve probably seen it), the movie begins with a young 20-something woman galvanizing with a 60-something sex-obsessed man. Again, this was certainly not something I would let my kids watch.

As I pondered this over the next few days, I realized that the longing I felt for the bygone decade’s culture and what it was that I was drawn to as a mother now raising young children was not something found in the movies or in the pop culture of that era. In fact, the cultural decline and rot that we see and experience today was already well in effect in the 90s. You may come to the same conclusions in listening back (in horror) to the lyrics of some of your once favorite 90s tunes. No, I realized that what I was really longing for and what I was trying to emulate for my children was not the 90s per se, but, more simply put, the 90s mother - my mother. 

My mother gave a precious gift to me and my siblings those years ago: she gave us herself. She was not the compromised mother of today who is living two lives - one for her online audience and the other, more restless and overstimulated version for her children. The 90s mother, for the most part, was offline and free to do and raise her kids as she pleased. She was not inundated with “expert advice” on all matters of motherhood, including healthy diets for kids, proper bedtimes, navigating toddler tantrums, homeschooling vs. traditional schooling, etc. She had to lean on her own God-given wisdom and instincts when dealing with the problems and realities of the day. This sparked creativity and uniqueness and made way for the “feminine genius,” as St. John Paul II famously coined it. 

The 90s mother was likely physically tired from long days caring for and playing with her children, but she did not have to deal with the mental exhaustion and burnout we all experience today. Being on social media puts the modern mother in a constant state of comparison. Sure, there are many women doing a terrific and beautiful job mothering their children, and it is wonderful to see this portrayed online.

But even this has its way of pulling on and wearing out the feminine heart, leading to feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and low self-esteem. And most importantly, the 90s mother did not feel an endless need to document every moment of her and her children’s day to stay relevant, leading to a lack of emotional presence in the home with those who need their mothers most. In giving us herself, both physically and emotionally, my mother gave us the feeling of deep-rootedness and safety, from which we could then go out and explore the world with a carefree spirit and be those 90s kids we all fondly remember. 

So, for all the other mothers out there who feel like they didn’t quite master the 90s summer trend (ahem, me!) - as we set out for the Fall season ahead, let’s more intentionally take the best of the 90s with us: the present and content mother. Let’s think about how we can be the most present to the children whom God has entrusted to us. Perhaps it’s letting the special memories go undocumented (as adorable as they are!) or putting down the phone and resisting the urge to watch everyone else’s seasonal highlights while our own take place right in front of us.

Maybe it’s leaning into our own instincts more, and deciding for ourselves how to problem-solve or deal with the various realities of motherhood and childbearing. The good news is being a present and content mother, however imperfect it may be, is something we all can do in our own unique and feminine way. And if we do it right, maybe one day our children will look back on their childhood with the same fondness and nostalgia that we feel now.  

Kristen Thompson is a wife and mother to five children, living in Southern California.

She works part-time as a CPA for a Big Four Public Accounting Firm, and in her spare

time enjoys antiquing, intentional time with her girlfriends, and putting to paper the

thoughts and ponderings stirring in her heart. She is a novice writer and currently

working on building a portfolio.